


But I Read The Nutritional Label And This Is What It Called For

by cottonspore



Category: Samurai Warriors, Sengoku Musou
Genre: A Day in the Life of the Toyotomi Residence, Gen, Humor, Parody, i found this in my old fanfic folder and laughed so hard, shout-out to kai C:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 01:59:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15741825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottonspore/pseuds/cottonspore
Summary: What can go wrong when one of the most skilled strategists of the land gets ahold of tiny food channels on YouTube?Breakfast.And some malnourished samurais.





	But I Read The Nutritional Label And This Is What It Called For

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kai/gifts).



> So this is what we used to call 'crack-fic' back in the day, but it's a bit more, uh, sophisticated than that. A little more 'refined', hehe.
> 
> I wrote this for a friend some time ago, and it's honestly one of my favorite writings ;u; she has this thing about tiny food, and Hanbei is her fave character, and so we came up with this headcanon about Hanbei and tiny food and this was the result.
> 
> It's so silly but well worth it =u=

It was a dawn to another beautiful day.

The sun was just starting to peak over the horizon and the tiny birds of the trees were twittering about, announcing its arrival. The dew began to glisten ever so slightly, while the air began to saturate the sweet scent of the blooming flowers. Quiet sighs of the waking woodland creatures commenced the work day for all and soon enough, as if on cue, dragonflies darted about while butterflies flittered around.

Another curiosity was stirring about as well. Homing in on the Toyotomi residence, there in the kitchen, was a young bee buzzing about. Well actually, it was a human, but the manner in which he was going from one task to another had great semblance of a bee in flight. Tapping his finger while lost in thought, the young man stared vacantly at a box of Bisquick, calculating what he should do next.

“Hmm, if the serving size for 1 is 1/3 of a cup, then I just need to multiply that by 15 to accommodate..” The strategist’s calculations were interrupted by a sharp odor of something burning. Looking down at the stove, he realized that the pancake he was currently cooking was beginning to crisp. Not with the slightest urgency, Hanbei reached for his spatula and flipped it so the other side would cook. The side that had begun to burn wasn’t too bad, but it was just crispy enough to not thoroughly enjoy.

Hanbei simply shrugged. “Kanbei can have that one.”

Returning his focus back to the box of pancake mix, Hanbei meditated on how much batter he should make. It didn’t take long for him to decide that it didn’t matter and he would just make how much he felt was right. Taking his special, personalized spatula, Hanbei took the pancake that was currently cooking and added it to a stack of 4 pancakes that was already plated. He took this moment to marvel at his creation.

The table had an assortment of dishes scattered about upon its surface; eggs, hash browns, sausage links and patties, omelets, bacon, scones, croissants, a bowl of mixed fruit and yogurt. There was no same dish except for the plates of pancakes.  Right as Hanbei was about to start on the next batch of pancakes, a soft gasp escaped the lips of a puzzled onlooker in a onesie as he reached the threshold of kitchen.

Hanbei jumped a little but the surprise on his face quickly turned into a playful smile.

“Ah, Hideyoshi! I wasn’t quite done yet, but I guess by the time I’m finished, everyone will be here.”

Hideyoshi’s eyes continued to dance around the table as they locked on to every single dish that was plated.  Not taking his eyes off of the food, he slowly turned his head in the direction of the staircase that he descended from and began to yell for his wife.

“N-nene, honey, I think you need to get down here,”

“Oh, you don’t have to yell, I got this,” Hanbei laughed. He took a ladle and a pot and clanged them furiously together. Despite them both being metal, the only noise that sounded were tiny little pings.

“NENEEE!” Hideyoshi bellowed, still very confused.

Even though he called for Nene, the sound of several people could be heard stampeding down the staircase.

“Move out of the way, big head! I call dibs on the bacon!”

“Shut up, Masanori, you can’t call dibs on something if you don’t get there first!”

“You idiots, you’re ruining my slippers!”

The running and bumping soon turned into a big jumble as three Toyotomi retainers rolled downstairs in a knot. Sakon appeared from an adjacent corner and took a step back once he saw breakfast. He lightly scratched at his scarred cheek as he took in what was before him.

“Keiji put me down! This gets so old so fast!” cried a frustrated Toshiie as Keiji bounded downstairs to the kitchen with Toshiie slung over his shoulder. Stepping over the still-fighting baka trio, Keiji was still laughing until he saw the breakfast Hanbei had prepared. The jovial smile that he wore soon turned into a grimace. “What the..”

Toshiie struggled out of the loosened grip Keiji held and tumbled onto the floor. After brushing himself off, Toshiie stood and turned to share the same surprise as everyone else. “OH..”

“What is all this commotion about!? You know how hard it is to move in this ridiculous outfit that you made me wear so don’t expect..me..to..” Lady Nene had stormed downstairs only to come to a complete halt at the kitchen threshold. Out of respect and to prevent from being yelled at, Kiyomasa, Masanori, and Mitsunari stopped slapping at each other and finally untangled themselves. They played innocent for a brief moment until they matched Lady Nene’s gaze.

A groggy Kanbei rounded the corner and unlike the others, there was no shock or amazement. He simply rubbed his temples and grumbled a bit under his breath.

Hanbei hadn’t moved an inch from his position since Hideyoshi first laid eyes on him. Huddled up into a chair with both feet on the seat, Hanbei was hunched over a miniature stove that he had on the table. Two small candles were used as gas burners and two, tiny pans sat on top of the openings. Though all eyes were on him, Hanbei continued to finish the current batch of pancakes he was tending to. His tiny spatula lifted the final pancake and completed another stack of 5.

“Ah! There we go! Told you I would finish by the time everyone got here! Alright, everybody dig in!” Hanbei announced, obviously pleased with himself. His eyes bounced from person to person as he stood and wiped what little pancake batter that was on his hands onto his apron. When no one made an effort to move, he crossed his hands and huffed.

“Well? The food is going to get cold with you all just standing there!” Initially, he sounded offended, but the smirk that began to sprout from the corner of his mouth proved otherwise. Everyone began to approach the table with hesitation. Lady Nene fastened her robe to prevent it from falling open and rested her hands on her hips. She remained at the doorway while Kanbei shook his head and left. Pulling out their chairs and taking a seat, everyone else began to eat reluctantly.

“Hey Hanbei, no offense, but uh, are you sure this is edible?” questioned Toshiie as he inspected his miniature sized plate of deviled eggs. Masanori had already begun to choke on his sausages while Kiyomasa tried to pick out the mini bacon pieces that were wedged between his teeth with his mini fork. Sakon had already downed half a teaspoon of milk and searched the table for more glasses as Hideyoshi lifted a pancake from his plate and examined it in awe. Mitsunari simply sat with elbow on the table and yawned with his mouth open and Keiji did not know what to do with himself and stared at the tiny food with disappointment.

Hanbei smiled to himself as everyone took interest in his tiny creations. He noticed Nene still standing and his smile soon turned into a feigned expression of hurt. “Lady Nene, aren’t you hungry?”

“Hanbei.”

“Do you not appreciate my cooking?”

“HANBEI.”

“Ah, I knew I should have made waffles, you would have preferred those, I bet.”

“Hanbei, give me the spatula,” Lady Nene demanded as she charged her way over to the stove.

“Here you go,” beamed Hanbei as he handed her his tiny spatula.

Lady Nene snatched his hat off of his head and swatted him with it. “HANBEI! LEAVE.”

“What? Did I do something wrong?” Hanbei laughed as he took his hat back and began to leave. Nene continued to glare at him while she prepared the normal-sized stove for use.

“Fine fine, I’m going. It’s not my fault you guys eat so much, it wouldn’t hurt for us to cut back a little,” Hanbei joked as he took a plate of pancakes for himself and another plate with a crispy pancake topping the stack for Kanbei and left the kitchen.


End file.
